I just rubbed my hair crème in to my face. 

I only noticed my mistake when I was combing face toner through my hair. 

This simple two step fuck up is the best depiction of how things generally play out in my world. Nothing as it should and everything as expected. I like to keep myself on my toes. My ability to fall flat on my face when trying to string a sentence together never ceases to amaze me. I think that’s why I like to write – I have an opportunity to check myself before I wreck myself.

This piece is taking me forever to write as the flow isn’t right – so lets fuck the flow and go with it. My face fuzz is soft and my hair absent of impurities. 

This year feels different. Don’t ask me how or why? Just different.

This year began in a direction that I was completely comfortable and content with. By 16 days in it had flipped it’s arse upside down and I was propelled into a completely different direction. In some ways good, in no way bad, and in all ways confusing, confronting, complicating, challenging, coco chanel (jokes there’s no way I can afford this label I was just on a roll with c words and ran out of ones both relevant and appropriate to describe the earlier months of 2023).

Everything is happening just as it should. But everything is different.

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope” – Martin Luther King

Rose coloured glasses, I’ve always lived with them and I choose to continue to. No matter how many times I’m blinded by hope and left with despair. I do, and will continue to trust the person that will ultimately backstab me, give to those who don’t give back and I am still very sceptical of whether Santa is, in fact, real. But no matter how many times I pull knives out of my back, am left with broken promises and no matter how many years I have to sit, to no avail, by the fireplace waiting for that fat bastard to ho ho ho his way down the chimney. I won’t lose hope. I will continue to see the world in all it’s beauty, I will continue to see the good in those that my not see it in themselves, forgive those that may not deserve forgiveness and you can be damn sure I’ll be sending off my letter to that big jolly guy every December. Because one thing I have observed in my short time on this earth is that for every disappointment, disagreement, wrong doing, there is always the moments that pay off – The friendships that do last, the moments that make memories, the lives you have the ability to change regardless of the recognition or reward. Got nothing on the red pudge – screw that guy. Choosing to watch the world through dark lenses only comes with fear, resentment and disappointment.

I detoured there… So back to my One Direction “That’s what makes you beeautiful” twenty twenty three making choices, making changes, making progress. Shitting my pants. Something switched (or snapped depending on the perspective). 

What do you want to be when you grow up? Apparently that is now. When did that happen right?

Have you ever had the feeling where you are just not heading in the direction you hoped, dreamed or even wanted? You’ve found yourself sitting there thinking what the fuck happened. May be a bit airy fairy for some but when you find yourself in a position, heading towards a direction you’re not actually interested in. Then change it. In any area of your life. You and only you gets to navigate your story. To the best of my knowledge, we only get one book – but so many chapters. Like a Goosebumbs – Pick a path. Plenty of twists, nothing makes actual sense, a lot of do-overs and ultimately ending up right where you are meant to be.

I know I’ve gone through waves of needing to ‘find myself’. But now I don’t think it’s about finding oneself at all, more so recognising that I’ve changed. You’ve changed. We’ve changed. We’ve grown. If you spend your days continuously looking for yourself you’re going to wind up very dissatisfied.

People spend far too much time focusing on dissatisfaction. Regardless if your glass is half full or half empty, we are all guilty of it.

My coffees taking too long, I’m never coming back here! God that woman is a bitch! Why is my house always a mess! Groceries are so expensive! Why am I so fat! Our prime minister is terrible.

Take a breath. Maybe they’re working double shifts due to staff shortages? Maybe this world hasn’t been kind to her and she just needs a smile? Maybe you should get your butt moving and clean it then? Stop eating everything in sight! Please tell me how you would have done it better?

I’ve had dissatisfactions with many different things over the years and I can honestly tell you for the most part I did sweet F A to relieve or change my way of thinking. That was it. I was just dissatisfied (wish I’d known sooner I had options). But I did come to the conclusion that I wanted… No, needed to change my current trajectory. I had to overcome my fears and go it alone (heck – yes I am aware that sounds very dramatic). It was time to start again. Unfortunately I was not disappointed with my expectations of how it was going to play out. But that’s ok. My years of dissatisfaction ultimately pushed me into a direction I couldn’t be happier with. Don’t get me wrong I was never unhappy (ok well for the most part). The very opposite. Which I understand seems like a complete contradiction. There is a very big difference between satisfaction and happiness. Dissatisfaction is generally what drives improvements. An ongoing process as nothing exists that is perfect. Life being no exception. It’s continually evolving, adapting to circumstances – improving. Nothing in life has reached a point where it cannot be improved. I ,generally speaking, find myself dissatisfied when I’m no longer challenged. I wasn’t and I changed it. It is actually that simple.

So if you find yourself dissatisfied – welcome it. Its an opportunity for progression or solution. Embrace it, take it for exactly what it is – your next opportunity.